|
Conversations with Shellie |
|
A: Hmm. I had an ex tell me once that the sign of an unhappily married woman is one who talks a lot (in a gossipy kind of way). Why? Because if she has a husband who listens to her, she will be able to get most of her chatter out of her system before she can even begin to get on the phone chat line. Pretty profound, huh? So, what does that have to do with what you asked? I think there are a myriad of theories for your question, but I think one of the main ones is that when a wife is unhappy, she will blame everyone around her for it; including us single women. If she doesn’t have a healthy self-image, somehow the way we look will pose as a threat. If she and her husband are poor communicators (with one another), then anything he says to us will translate as a come on. If she misses her single life, she will envy the one that we live. In all of these cases, it’s so not our problem. As a single woman, it’s our role to respect the boundaries of marriage. In other words, we don’t need to take the place of the wife in any category (physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, sexually, etc.), but at the same time, we don’t need to live our lives apologetically, either. There are blessings to being single and there are blessings to being married. Wives should definitely spend their time counting theirs I have a girlfriend who is ecstatically, happily married. I have watched how she acts and reacts to single women when they are in her husband’s space for whatever reason. And do you know what? She couldn’t care less. She knows that he thinks she’s the best thing ever created and no matter how fine the next sistah is or how much of a crush that woman may have on her man, the only person who can mess that up is him and they make their relationship top priority in their lives, he ain’t thinkin’ about none of us. If you know a married woman personally who has this issue, politely let her know that in being insecure she is running a commercial for the instability of her union. If her man is keeping her happy and she is doing the same, seeing a single woman should be the equivalent of reminiscing on the past: a great memory but so irrelevant to the gift of her present----her marriage. Q: “In a six-year relationship, my first (and only) lover cheated on me and gave me herpes. I choose not to date because I'm scared of the rejection my situation will cause. How do break back into the dating scene and when do I discuss my condition, even though I intend on waiting until marriage?”---Bruised And Confused, North Carolina A: First, let me say this: In the course of the past couple of years, I have heard this exact story more than once. I share this to say that you are not alone. It’s an unfortunate situation, but not one that you can’t rebound from and live just as full of a life as everyone else does. With that said, one thing that I think people do way too much is share their personal business prematurely. If your plan is to be abstinent then there is no reason for a man to know during date one, two or even ten that you have an STD. People do that as a precaution when they plan on being sexually active, which you don’t sound like you are planning to do right now. The time to be intimate on any level---including emotionally and verbally---is when the relationship has progressed to a place where both parties can handle the exchange of information; when both people are a safe place for one another. If you see there being a serious future with that special someone---meaning if this is the person you feel you will someday be sexually active with---then that will be time to reveal this information. I know some people will find this to be deceptive, but I don’t. Just a few weeks ago, I attended a wedding where the pastor said, “You know things will be different tomorrow, right? He told you just enough to get you here and she told you just enough to make you believe that she was worth the risk.” We all have things that we keep from those we are involved with until we think it is time for them to know. Right now, in the beginning stages of dating, no man needs to know about your body; he needs to be interested in getting to your heart. If he falls in love with that, your past, even if it includes an STD, will pale in comparison.
Q: “I have a female family member who is 18-year-old. She has been raised in the church all her life. The church she attends has preached that marriage is a good thing and that if a couple is in love with each other, they should get married and not live in "sin" together. She is "in love" with an 18-year-old guy, who has no job, is not in college and no future life goals, the only thing he knows is that he loves her. She wants to marry him ASAP so that they can "live right." I don't think this is a good idea. I think she needs to get to know herself and take care of herself and if this guy is the one, he will wait. She doesn't think so. She says God will make a way. What do you think?”---Stacey, Overland Park, Kansas A: I think that there is a documentary that she needs to see quick, fast and in a hurry called, "51 Birch Street." It’s about an old Jewish couple who were married for over 50 years, but didn’t love each other; they were just being faithful to their vows. There’s something to be said for the commitment, I guess, but for the father to have waited until his seventies to find real happiness (he remarried three months after his wife died), well, I just find that to be really unfortunate. Anyway, one of the “pearls of wisdom” that one of the friends in the film shared was that when people are in their twenties, (most times) they don’t know who they are enough to know what they really want. She said with her first husband, all she knew was that she wanted a man who was tall and blonde---and that was all he had to offer. I too have heard many church leaders speak of the joys and validity of marriage and while I share in their sentiments, I don’t think that nearly enough of them speak on the priority that God places on RESPONSIBLE AND SOBER-MINDED marriages. To me, no 18-year-old is really ready for what a solid covenant entails. It is my heartfelt belief as Christian that the role of a wife is to bring favor to a man and his purpose (Proverbs 18:22) and I don’t know what 18-year-old young man is really clear on just what his purpose fully is. In other words, if you don’t know who you are, why are you trying to figure that out with someone else who doesn’t know who he is (yet), either? Sounds like the blind leading the blind to me and for a marriage to be successful (happy, fulfilling, stable, doable), there definitely needs to be vision. I get so sick of people taking the “better to marry than to burn” scripture out of context (I Corinthians 7:9). It’s not that I don’t agree with it, I just think that when it comes to justifying the desire for marriage, several other scriptures must come into play as well with one of the first being, “LOVE IS PATIENT” (I Corinthians 13:4). If your family member can’t control herself now, what is she gonna do if/when her husband has to be out of town for weeks on end, if/when he is impotent for a season, if/when their children are demanding so much of their time that intimacy seems like a distant memory? I agree with you. The best way that she can prove that she is ready to marry this young man is by waiting until she is actually ready and if she feels like she can’t wait a little while longer, it’s definitely not now. ©Shellie R. Warren/2007
|