Q: “If you are married or in a committed relationship, would you be okay
with your mate going to dinner or the movies with a friend of the opposite
sex? Why or why not?”---Christy, Antioch, TN
A: This is kind of a loaded question, but I’ll do my best. First, I
would say that being in a marriage vs. a committed relationship changes the
entire spin of this scenario. In my opinion if it’s just your
boyfriend/girlfriend, while you certainly have the right to express your
feelings about who they spend time with, you don’t really have the right to
tell them if it’s “OK” or not if that means that you can determine if they
can go or not. There is a reason why people are still considered “single”
until they actually get married.
However, in the case of a marriage, I think it depends on the conditions of
the outing. While I can totally understand why there may be a need to go out
to dinner with someone of the opposite sex, especially if it’s for business
purposes, I would have to really wrap my head around why they would need to
go to the movies alone. That doesn’t really sound like an outing, or even a
time to catch up---in a well-lit place with loads of people around (smile).
That sounds like a date.
But outing or not, date or not, the bigger concern to me would be if the
spouse let you know ahead of time. I remember growing up and my mother
telling me, “Things will be a whole lot easier for you if you don’t let me
find out what you did.” I think that same warning applies here. I think it
being “OK” is subjective, but what is not is if the spouse feels the need to
sneak to do it. If so, that means it’s more than just a “dinner” or a
“movie” and that’s when things become potentially problematic.
Q: “Emotional abuse. I've been doing some reading on it lately and it
seems that I've been a victim of it for some time. Not intentionally though.
I don't think my husband is that evil that he'd set out to destroy me
emotionally. He does want to be in control, so that has a lot to do with it.
By nature I'm a compliant person or a pleaser as some would say. I'm
wondering if that makes me more susceptible to emotional abuse than if I
wasn't. Is that possible? See, I have a big issue with his anger, and with
that, a pleaser such as me will keep the peace to avoid the anger. Granted
it sounds like I'm placing the blame for the abuse on myself (and I could
be), but I just can't help but wonder if my personality makes me more likely
to be abused than others. Does that make sense?”---Kristin, Douglasville, GA
A: Awesome question, Kristin. The truth is that I think more people
have been abused emotionally than in any other kind of way. It appears that
your question comes more from a “thinking out loud” perspective than
anything else, but before we go any deeper, let me say this: I believe that
our emotions are very similar to the thermostat in our house. They let us
know when something is very right and when something is very wrong.
So, with that said, if you are sensing that you are being abused
emotionally, you probably are because all that abuse means is that something
is being AB-NORMALLY USED. However, I will say that since you appear to have
a pretty passive personality, be careful in how you process the new
information that you have received. I know something that I have been victim
of far too often is coming into a revelation and then expecting everyone in
my world to “catch on and up” immediately. I agree that your husband may not
be abusing you intentionally. When they say that we teach people how to
treat us, it’s the cold, hard truth. If you have been non-confrontational
all of this time, even when it’s against your better judgment, and you have
never addressed this with your mate, he’s probably not thinking “Great! I
have just gotten away with controlling my wife”, but rather, “That’s just
how she is.”
My suggestion would be that you take a moment to write out the things that
are sending up red flags in your soul and spirit on one side and the reasons
why on the other side. Then, take these issues to your husband. A surefire
way to know if you are “on the money” is how he responds to the information.
If he’s sensitive and attentive, then chalk it up to ignorance. If he flares
up, then, well, you’ve gotten your confirmation.
Q: “We have a ‘friend couple’ who have struggled to stay married, let
alone happily married. The husband sums it up by asking, ‘How can we fall
back into love with each other?’ But what he really wants to know is how can
she fall back in love with him? They have been married for a decade, he's a
good God-fearing man who does right by his wife and family.”---Expecting
Every Good & Perfect Gift, Nashville, TN
A: My first response is actually not to your friend, but to you. In
the wise words of Dr. Phil, “I don’t care how flat you get that pancake,
there are always two sides.” If your ‘friend couple’ is struggling to stay
together, while the husband may ‘appear’ to do right by his family, you can
never really know unless you live it. In other words, he may be causing the
least part of the drama in the relationship, but in a failing partnership,
no one destroys it alone. Sadness and success are equal opportunists.
With that said, just a couple of days ago, someone wrote to ask me if I
thought love was a choice. I most certainly believe that it is and you must
choose on a weekly, daily, hourly, shoot…moment by moment basis. Just last
week, I heard the singer Seal say that a lot of marriages struggle because
you put conditions/expectations on your mate that you would never place upon
your best friend. I totally agree. When I think back on the people I’ve
dated, they were definitely held to a much higher, and at times unrealistic,
standard than my girlfriends were. In other words, I never thought, “If she
says such and such or does so and so, I’m out”, but I would do that with the
men that I dated all of the time.
I do believe that this husband is a good man to even want to know what to do
to make his relationship work. So often, when things get rough or we become
uncomfortable, we tend to want to “jump ship”, but I would encourage him to
slightly modify his question to “How can I help her see that she has made
the right choice?” Prayer, patience, consistency, sensitivity and intimacy
are what I would prescribe for that. The Bible says that what God has
brought together, no man should put asunder (Matthew 19:6) Hmm. Sometimes I
wonder if the partners in a marriage realize that “no man” means them as
well. But, at the end of the day, both parties have to be reminded that
choice trumps just about everything else. If they both CHOOSE to make it
work, with God’s help, it will.
©Shellie R. Warren/2007