Q: How do you know when you are in love, how do you know when a person loves you and how do you know when a person is lying?---Alea, Nashville, TN

 A: Whew!  Girl, this is the basis for a book, not a simple Q&A column, but I will do my best to give you the “long story short” of it.

 I actually am not the biggest fan of the term “in love”; especially “falling in love” because that implies that if you are “in”, you can get “out”.  Love is a commitment.  I think you can fall in and out of passion and/or lust, but if you really, truly, madly and deeply love someone, it’s going to be there regardless.  Like energy, over time, it may change form, but it will always exist.

 I think your question is actually more of how do you know if you love someone in an intimate way and how do you know if it’s being reciprocated.  Well, I will say this:  Without getting super preachy, there’s a scripture in the Bible (Jeremiah 17:9 to be exact) which states that the heart is deceitful and I would have to agree.  You can’t always go by how someone makes you “feel” because feelings change. 

 The thing about love is that it’s supposed to provide an environment for growth.  In other words, if you’re a better person as a result of “loving” someone and they can say the same thing about you then that is a good step in the right direction.  Someone making you feel like you never have before doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in love; but someone helping become someone you’ve never been before as a result of knowing them is definitely a huge plus.

How do you know if you they’re lying?  OK, this is also a question that’s the makings of a movie, but let me say this:  Our conscience is a wonderful thing.  In our homes, there are thermostats to let us know if the temperature isn’t right for us to live comfortably.  Our minds work in a very similar fashion.  The foundation for any worthwhile love relationship should be trust.  If your conscience or “mind thermostat” is telling you that something is not right, LISTEN TO IT.  One of the clearest warning flags is if you are more upset than you are happy with the person, or if you are losing your identity in the relationship; you know, you start caring more about his needs than your own or you find yourself compromising to the point of sacrificing your character---and most importantly, he has no trouble letting you.  If this is the kind of man you are with and he says that he’s in love with you, baby, he’s lying.  Let him go.

 

 Q: For some reason, falling in love with someone seems to make you really vulnerable, to the point where your girl will be truly hurt because you haven’t called her in a few hours.  How can the little things we do to each other mean so much and hurt us so bad?  Aren’t we supposed to be trying to make each other happy?---Kevin D., Nashville, TN

 A:  One of the biggest mistakes I made in, shoot, about 80% of my past relationships was expecting a man to fill voids that weren’t his job.  My fathers weren’t the best role models and so I wanted “my men” to develop my self-esteem.  My mother and I had a tumultuous relationship to the point where I didn’t feel free to really be myself and so I wanted “my men” to let me run the show…into the ground.  My first boyfriend never really went out of his way to make me feel loved and so I wanted the men who followed to darn near kill themselves to make up for it.

 Yes, because when it comes to intimate relationships, you end up sharing private parts of who you are, I totally believe that romance can make you vulnerable.  But, what your friend appears to be is insecure; that’s not necessarily the same thing.  Like any healthy relationship, a courtship should add to your life, but it shouldn’t be just another thing to put on your to-do list.  You know what I mean.  You may have groceries to pick up because you need to eat.  You may have to wash because you have clothes that you need to wear.  You may have to go to the bank so that you can have some money in your pocket.  But a phone call?  In most cases, that’s not pivotal to your daily survival.  That should be something that’s pleasurable to do.

 I tell a lot of my girlfriends that I find it so humorous that with the term “boyfriend”, we focus on “boy” more than “friend”.  Currently, two of my closest girlfriends I haven’t spoken to in weeks (and I mean, weeks); not because they don’t love me, not because we don’t enjoy one another’s company, but because they have a life and they need to live it.  Sure, for the relationship to survive we have to make time for one another, but there is also a mutual understanding that we are supposed to be making life better and in some ways even easier for each other and sometimes that requires giving each other space.  There’s no love lost because I know that I am not their responsibility and they are not mine.  Since we know this, we don’t call each other or hang out because we are supposed to; we do it because we want to.

 In many ways, a dating relationship should be no different.  I am assuming you don’t call her on a schedule because you don’t necessarily have anything to say every four hours.  Does that mean that you don’t love her?  I doubt it.  To me that means that you have a life and you are living it.  Don’t apologize for that.  You are only one with someone when you walk down the aisle and even then, you won’t be able to have your entire world revolve around your spouse---time and commitments won’t let you.

 Also, let me address one other thing that you said.  “Are you supposed to make one another happy?  Uh, no.  You are not supposed to be making one another happy.  You are supposed to be partaking in one another’s happiness. That takes me back to the whole “filling the void” thing.  If she isn’t happy unless you are meeting all of her expectations, you are digging a ditch for yourself because she will just keep raising the bar.

 My recommendation would be that you have a conversation with your lady to see what she wants in a relationship and then you do her the favor of doing the same.  If she wants to be called five times a day and you are cool speaking only once, come to a compromise.  After all, although a lot of times women tend to conveniently forget it, give and take is what being in a relationship is all about.

 Q: I’ve found that women that I meet enjoy the casual usage of the word “whore” when it comes to describing me.  The conversations usually have a pleasant tone, but I feel that their intentions aren’t right.  Here’s my question: Do you think that they want me to be a whore with them?  Or, do you think that they honestly believe that I am a whore?  Bottom line is that I’m not.  I just wanted your take on it.”---L. Smith, Memphis, TN

 A:  Hmm.  Well, first I would say that I wonder if these women actually understand the true definition of the word.  Traditionally, a whore is a woman who prostitutes herself or someone who has sex in exchange for payment.  Now, a whoremonger  is someone who consorts with them.  So, what are they saying?  That you are a gigolo or are they saying that you sleep with too many women?  I guess it doesn’t really matter because neither of these perspectives are the most positive to have about a man.

The first thing I would have to say to this is that if this is the general consensus that most women have about you then you should do some serious soul searching.  It doesn’t matter so much what one or two people say, but if there are legions of ladies who share in this sentiment, why is that? 

To me, it’s really hard to tell if someone is a whore from casual interaction.  You may be able to tell if he’s a flirt, or charismatic, or really outgoing; but, that’s no where close to being someone who has sex for money or sleeps around with everybody in Shelby County and the surrounding areas.  No one can really confirm someone’s a whore unless they have engaged in “whore-like activity” with that person and so what I will say to you is this: If you are sexually active, you need to better discern the people you share your body with because they are obviously not using discretion in who they share their recounts with.  If you’re not sexually active, I would ask the women why they have come to that conclusion.

From where I sit, a man that I perceive to be a whoremonger, for whatever reason, is not someone I want to get close enough to for me to even really tell him my opinion and so yes, I would agree with you: If these women are making it a point to spend time with you and referring to you as something so degrading as that, they probably want to be degraded.

And if that’s the case then you should promptly refer them to this column because I’ve got some questions of my own.

©Shellie R. Warren/2007

Contact Shellie at: followyourinstincts@centerstagemag.com