Q: Can you really be "just friends" with your ex-husband (or wife) following a break-up?---Tami, Nashville, TN
A: I don't know if it's about being “just friends” as opposed to being the same kind of friends you would have been had you not had that kind of history.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is, “The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” The thing that has always fascinated me about scenarios like this one is if he has the kind of qualities that make him “friend-worthy”, then what was he lacking to make him not “husband-worthy”? After all, all relationships should be based in friendship. (A radical concept, I know!)

Certainly, as it relates to you and your ex, that is something that only you can answer. While I know I have never been married before, I have been in several serious relationships and I always found myself trying to hold on to some kind of a friendship when it came to an end. I realize more than anything it was because I feared change because in most cases, I had to do some real soul-searching and admit that the relationship ended because he never was really my friend to begin with. Friends don't lie to one another. Friends are not selfish. Friends don't hurt one another. I think you catch my drift. That said, I think the first thing you should ask yourself is if he was ever really a “friend” at all and if he is worthy of the kind of friend you are.

That doesn't mean I think it is impossible. There are some people who divorce because they realize that “friends” are all they should have ever been in the first place. However, do keep in mind that when you were married, both of your needs took top priority. Now that you are single again, you always come first. There will have to be A LOT of physical and emotional boundaries set in place (at least for awhile) in order for this kind of friendship to be healthy, and anytime a relationship ends, there is a period of restoration for you as an individual that must take place. Should you choose to pursue this “friendship”, be cautious to not make yourself a martyr by doing more harm than good to your human trinity (mind, body, spirit) by keeping him around.

You only burn a bridge when there's nothing on the other side to go back to. Again, as it relates to your ex, this is only something that you would know, but if you do go back, make sure it's worth it. Life is meant to be traveled in a line...not a circle.

Q: Is it necessary to tell your better half everything? For example, what if you are struggling with an attraction for another woman, but never plan to act on it?---Paul Areopagus, Asheville, NC
A: Have you ever seen the movie, “Notes on a Scandal” (Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett)? If you haven't, I don't want to give it away (just trust me when I say it's worth the rental), but there was a line in it that I just loved: “Secrets can be seductive.” I don't think the question is so much about if you should tell your spouse everything, so much as what you don't tell, why? What are you hiding?

As it relates to the situation that you presented, there was one word that instantly jumped out at me: struggling. I personally find it unrealistic and pretty insecure to expect your mate to not find other people attractive. Marrying you didn't make you dead, just committed and so if you see a woman and she looks good to you, I'm not sure what the harm is in that.

But if you are struggling with it, well, that sounds like it's about more than she has a pretty face or nice figure. That sounds like you have some sort of connection with this woman and keeping that under wraps could lead to some deep trouble down the pike. Why? Because another word that jumped out to me was “plan”. I'm sure you've heard the saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Just because you don't intend to act out what you feel for this woman, because this kind of energy has to go somewhere, that doesn't mean that in time you won't; especially if you have become comfortable with keeping it private. Soon you will rationalize that it's OK to have long conversations with her in private, go to dinner with her in private, go to her house in private, sleep with her---in private.

Only you know if your wife can handle you telling her that you are attracted to this woman or not, but because I agree with the screenwriter that secrets are seductive, I recommend you letting someone know for accountability reasons. I also think you should get really honest with yourself about what would cause you to feed this “attraction monster” and set some real boundaries between you and this woman. And finally, ask yourself what it is that makes her temporarily exceptional. Is it because she takes care of her body? Is it because she listens to you? Is it because you have similar interests?

Sometimes people come along, not to replace our mates, but to help us enhance the relationship we have with them. If there is something you're not getting at home that you think this woman will provide, go home and try and get it. The woman at your house made the commitment to care about those kinds of things, while the woman you are attracted to, didn't. With her, betting that she would be better is a sucker's bet and I would hate for you to lose out on what you have for what you are (usually only fleetingly) attracted to.

Q: If a friendship/relationship has been damaged by mistrust, but comes back together after a period of separation and apology yet it is not the same, what can be done? Does that mean that the relationship is truly over?---Monique, Nashville, TN
A: It means the relationship as you know it is and from where I sit, that is OK.

I think one of the greatest detriments to a relationship of any kind is expecting it to go on forever without any adjustments/maintenance/transitions. People change so that means the dynamics of their relationships with others do as well. Even if there had been no violation of trust, something would have come along that would require the two of you to take inventory on its current state. It amazes me how we will go through our clothes, clean out our fridge, empty out our purses periodically, but yet we don't expect that there would (and should) be moments set aside strictly to “renovate” our relationships with people.

I'm not sure who did the violating here, but what will take a lot of pressure off is grieving and then accepting the fact that what was is gone. The only time “bringing something back from the dead” is a good thing is when Christ returns and even then, the scriptures say that we will be changed (I Corinthians 15:22)! Now is the time to focus on what good can come out of this. What is it that makes you want to have something new and different with this person? What can you bring to the table that will make them a better individual and what can you do for them in return? What lessons were learned from the unfortunate experience---on both sides?

It also couldn't hurt to make sure that while trust may have been lost, that forgiveness has really taken place because that is the only way that trust can be restored. Is it not the same simply because the situation (and time) has caused the two of you to be different as individuals or is it not the same because the victim is harboring some level of bitterness and the victimizer is harboring some level of guilt?

Either way, you both have a choice: to let the past go totally and keep each other or hold on to it and lose the relationship. That said, good relationships are hard to come by and so if there is more good than bad between you, be patient with the process. Stay honest about how you feel and what you need and let them do the same. Time has taught me that this is the best way to restore trust once it has been lost.

Don't look for what you had, look for what you can have. That's the key to not looking back at the past...and the pain.

 

©Shellie R. Warren/2009