Q; I’m an attractive, fun-loving girl who actively dates but would like to experience a true connection with a guy. At what point in the dating phase should I reveal my commitment to celibacy? I can’t exactly say on the first date, “I had a nice time tonight, by the way, I’m committed to celibacy!” It’s absolutely exhausting to invest time and interest in a prospective mate only to be constantly replaced by “chicks that put out”! You’re probably thinking that the guys I’m accepting dates with are unprofessional or “unchurched”, but that is not the case. They enjoy my company and conversation, but can’t deal with a relationship that doesn’t provide sexual benefits…HELP!---Teaser But Not a Pleaser, Antioch, TN

A: I was watching a talk show last week and there was a woman in the audience who stood up and shared that she was 23 and still a virgin. The audience clapped, but then something crazy happened. A man who calls himself a “sexpert” asked why people were clapping for her; like being a virgin is an accomplishment.

It’s a sad, sad world we’re living in, isn’t it? I’m not sure if you are a virgin or just living a life of abstinence, but either way, I applaud you. Self-control of any appetite is something that far too few people have been able to master and it’s a beautiful thing. If you can control your desire for indulgence until the right time, you can control the world.

With that said, I really don’t think that your sexual conviction is anyone’s business in the beginning of a relationship. As a matter of fact, one thing that I think people do far too much is share their private lives when the relationship is still in “public status”.

Guys are not as dumb as some women think they are. As a matter of fact, they are pretty darn perceptive. Just ask any of your platonic male friends (and all women should have some), and they will tell you that they have usually sized up a woman within the first 10-15 minutes of a conversation. So, my recommendation to you would be that you don’t send any mixed signals.

It blows my mind just how many women claim to be celibate these days but are doing everything but intercourse. You know the type: You can get into my bra and panties, but (gasp) don’t dare think that you are getting any! Shoot, why shouldn’t they if you are taking it that far? That, not abstinence, is what makes a woman a tease.

But if you have clear boundaries set from the very beginning, it usually tends to keep things from getting frustrating for you or the relatively-new object of your affection. You don’t kiss on the first, second or third date? You don’t giggle when they comment about how thick you are? You don’t let them have sleepovers at your house? You don’t engage in graphic, sexual dialogue? Trust me, it won’t take them too long to catch on that it ain’t that type of party.

However, if what you’re really asking is how do you get a man to stick around after he finds out that you are committed to abstinence, my recommendation wouldn’t be so much that you share that you aren’t sexually active, but that you are looking for a long-term commitment and what that entails. No, don’t be manic about it, but when the topic of what you are looking for in a relationship comes up, do share that casual dating is fun, but not really your main focus right now. That will sift out a lot of “hit it and quit its” right there.

The second recommendation is that you look at a man’s true character. If he’s really a Christian, then it really shouldn’t be a super-shocker that you may want to hold out. Sure, the desire may be there, but if he is serious about wanting to live a holy life, then leaving you for not “putting out” speaks volumes about who he claims to be outside of church hours.

As for all other men, if you are looking for something serious, I don’t know why you would date someone who has different values than you do anyway. That is a complete waste of time, energy and willpower.

What you may not realize is that you have all of the power here. You are not looking for a lot of men to appreciate your special gift. You are looking for THE RIGHT MAN to do it. The sooner you can weed out the frogs, the sooner you can get to your prince. If a man can’t control himself enough to wait for a woman who’s controlling herself enough to wait for him, good riddance. That just means he couldn’t afford the high price that needs to be paid to have you: patience.


Q: What do you do if you believe in God, but your girl believes in Allah, Krishna, etc.?----Tim, San Francisco

A: What do they say you’re not supposed to discuss over dinner? Religion and politics, right? Man, if you can’t talk about these things with a party of five, I don’t know how smoothly you think it will go in an intimate, one-on-one scenario; in most cases, anyway.

Let me first say this. If you are dating someone who believes in Allah, that is just the Arabic word for “God” and so God is not really an issue for you. Now, you may have a Jesus challenge, but that’s an entirely different subject matter.

Bottom line, I think you need to decide what’s most important to you before taking the relationship any farther. For some, being “unequally yoked” religiously is not a big deal, while for others it’s paramount. If you are both people who take your personal faiths seriously, I think you are fooling yourself if you think that your belief systems will not collide at some point because what you believe in plays a huge part in who you are as a person.

So, what do you do? You discuss what your faiths are and what doctrines within those faiths you hold dear. Then you see what common ground you can meet on and if it’s enough to build a solid foundation. If it’s not, you now know where you stand, which keeps you from sinking deeper into passion’s abyss.


Q: How important is it that a couple share their past sexual history with each other? If it is important, can this be an indicator of a person’s “modus operandi” or can the past simply be the past?---Mostyles, NYC

A: This is a question that I always find to be interesting. It seems that most people want to know, but no one wants to tell. The justification is always “the past should stay in the past”. And yet, in relationships, people talk about their favorite elementary school teacher, the grades they got in high school, the first person they kissed. Oh, but God forbid we share our sexual history!

The truth is that our history makes up our present and so while the levels vary from person to person, if you have sexual interactions in your past, to a degree, it has defined who you are now. Another thing to keep in mind is that these days, your physical health is often placed into jeopardy when you have been sexually active. So, in my eyes, for these two reasons, while I can understand why you may not want to volunteer information, I do think that if the relationship is headed down the serious route, your mate has the right to ask and you should grant the courtesy of responding.

I know a lot of people tend to be scared to share the numbers and the kinds of activities game, but I think it’s a huge flag if someone refuses to grant that information upon request. I mean, this is someone you may share your credit history and bills with for the rest of your life but you can’t talk about the notches on a belt; a belt that you don’t even wear anymore? It just seems to be that if you are holding back in that area, there’s a great chance that you are about a few other things too.

Yeah, it’s a little icky to think about, I know, but the upside is this: If your partner can’t handle the truth, you were better off finding out on this side of the wedding ring anyway. If he or she can’t forgive/get over/move on concerning what you did before even knowing them, there’s a great chance that they were going to be a gold medalist in grudge matches after the honeymoon.©Shellie R. Warren/2007