Questions And Answers

Q: I have a girlfriend whose husband has left her after 21 years of marriage for another woman. It has been three months and every month, he promises to return on a certain date, but when that date comes, the return date is extended another 30 days. She filed for divorce because she is unable to take care of herself financially due to a medical condition, and he removed her from all accounts the day he left (by the way, he left her while she was at work). Although the divorce settlement will provide her with the financial support that she needs to survive, she is struggling with letting him go. He treats her so hatefully. She is devastated and afraid to live her life alone. She has always been in the (biblical) Word; however, she followed her husband wherever he would go. For example, if he didn’t want to attend services, she didn’t go either. She is having to return to God after spending so many years, “worshipping” her husband. What can I say to her to help her move on?---Renae, Nashville, TN (angela)   .:read more:.    

A: You can say that you are sorry that this “death” has happened to her and that you will stand in support while she mourns---for however long that takes.
The truth is that the end of any intimate relationship leaves a void that may take some time to fill. But, when a marriage comes to an end, it’s very similar to a parent losing a child; it’s just not natural. I don’t know many people go into “till death do us part” with a temporary mindset. However, if your friend is Christian, then you have to be willing to accept and, if you are not married, sympathize with the fact that she planned on death, not divorce, being the reason behind her separation from a man, who, for at least 21 years of her life, she was “one” with.

From where you sit, I’m sure that her apparent willingness to accept the emotional abuse that she is receiving from this man may appear narcissistic, but rarely are you totally in your right mind when you are experiencing stages of grief. And, what you are calling “worship”, I am willing to bet she is seeing as submission. As Paul so poignantly says in I Corinthians 7:34, a wife cares for the things of the world and how she can please her husband. Certainly don’t knock her for that.

I have been where you are; watching a friend of mine in a relationship that clearly appears counter-productive, but my advice to you would be that because this is the issue of marriage---a serious and sacred institution---that you don’t say much. If she asks for counsel, after prayer, provide it. But she’s already lost one person she thought would be there for her no matter what. Don’t put her in the position that she may feel like she has to lose you, too.

Bottom line, right now, it’s not about what he did or you think. It’s about what she needs. And what she needs is love (love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish or easily-provoked…you know the drill).
 

Q: When can you tell when your friendship has crossed the line into something more?---Walking In Destiny, Nashville, TN (tiffany)

A: To be honest with you, if you are asking that question, that’s your first sign.

The thing about platonic relationships with men is that, in many ways, they are no different than the ones that we have with our girlfriends. You can hang out and have a good time without any real pressure.

Hey, I’m not saying this because I read it somewhere. I actually have several male friends and while I wouldn’t rush over to their home to have a sleepover (cause there are some things that are obviously different), our energy, our conversation, our time spent together makes it very clear that “we’re just cool”.

Now that I think about it, the topics and delivery of conversation are actually really great indicators of what kind of relationship you are in. If your male friend is always asking you advice about some other gal, he’s probably “not that into you”. But if he’s, for instance, always comparing you to someone else, and you’re the one who always comes out on top, you might want to file that into your memory database. Also, watch what he says when you bring men up. Is he giving solid advice or does he appear to be overly-critical of everyone you talk about?

Another great question to ask yourself is “Does my friend monopolize my time?” Do you, his? Some of my closest friends and I only speak to each other once a week or a few times a month because our schedules don’t allot much more than that. But, a wise man once said that what you want, you make time for. If you have a job and a life and this guy has a job and a life and yet somehow, you are speaking on the way to work, during lunch breaks, and after dinner on a daily basis, that’s something to think about.

There are probably a million others flags, but a final one that I will share is body language. Two of my closest male friends love me to death, but the hugs are usually those odd “side hugs” that pastors give young women in church, and I can’t ever remember being kissed (on the cheek) by either one of them. Yes, there’s an intimacy, but no sexual/sensual energy. So, if your “friend” tends to hug you in that lingering, movie-like fashion, or if there are any kisses that he gives at all and they seem to be getting closer and closer to your lips, well…take heed.

Q: How do I keep my husband encouraged to make changes? Like putting down the beer and going for a jog, or eating corn and spinach instead of french fries?---Salty from Salt Lake City Utah (lakissha)

A: Well, without being married, I’m honored that you would even ask my advice. There is a book that I’ve been reading entitled, “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It’s written from a Christian perspective, but it’s also very practical (actually, to me, these things should be seen as one in the same; whole ‘nother write up). Basically, the whole premise of the book is that the Bible says that husbands should love their wives, but that wives should respect their husbands; that one of the problems is that, when it comes to having a successful marriage, far too women miss the last part of that sentence.

I find it very interesting that there is a commandment for “honoring your parents” and there is an instruction for “honoring your husband” and yet it’s something that a lot of us grown folks miss. I think because a lot of us, for whatever reason, didn’t learn how to do the “honor dad” thing well, we in turn don’t have a clue how to respect our husbands. And, because so many of us unfortunately had to “raise” our parents, in turn we end up trying to “raise” our mates.

Newsflash: They didn’t marry their mothers, they married their wives.

I think one of the best words that you used in your question was “encourage”; not tell, instruct or nag, but encourage. Instead of focusing on all of the “not so good” things that he’s doing, celebrate---not in a manipulative way to get what you want in the end, either---his triumphs. He cuts the grass, celebrate it. If you have kids and he gives you a night off, celebrate it. He brings you a card for no reason, celebrate it. I know from personal experience that praise goes a long way when it comes to “encouraging” the man that you love, and shoot, I just had boyfriends.

Now as far as the health kick thing, find ways to do it together. A lot of times, in human nature, we tend to want people to do the very things that we ourselves are not doing. For instance, we’re too busy to lose a couple of pounds, but somehow, miraculously, our partners are supposed to find the energy to do it. Give him an incentive. Without getting too graphic, there are great ways to burn off calories being that you are a married couple.

When it comes to diet, provide him with an incentive program. Discover all of the healthy foods that he does enjoy eating and, instead of trying to get him off of the french fries, have a day or two a week where he can close to overdose on them if he wants to. Sometimes we eat what’s not good for us to comfort us from all of the stress we are getting about, well, eating what’s not good for us.

You may also want to have him list 2-3 things that he would like to see you improve on and at the end of the week, if you both do well, you can have your own little private party to commemorate the progress. Yes, yes, having something to look forward to outside of constant nagging goes a long, long way.

But more than anything, be patient. After all, that’s what love is all about and you do love him, right? Right.

©Shellie R. Warren/2007