Q: "How do you know when a guy is doing wrong? He tells you that he’s not going to mess up because he has strong feelings and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But is it wrong that he still hangs with ex-girlfriend? The girl that he once said “I love you” to. I don't know if they doing something on the low because he’ll say that he hasn’t seen her in awhile but she goes to my school and she tells me [things like] she’s seen him this past weekend. I have feelings for him that no other man can take away. We been together for seven months now and him seeing his ex on the weekends when I'm doing something else makes me wonder if we should we even be together because I am not doing things with other guys. I care for him to the fullest, but I cannot be with him if he lying over and over. What should I do?”---A. Smith, Nashville, TN

A: Is it wrong that he hangs out with his ex-girlfriend? I think the bigger question is “Are you uncomfortable with him doing so?” That is what you should spend some serious time contemplating.

The truth is that while people would like to have a monopoly on people’s social lives, just because two people end a relationship that doesn’t necessarily mean that they ended it poorly. In other words, there are actually individuals who remain friends once the romance comes to an end and so I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just because your current boyfriend is cool with his ex. After all, no one is making him be with you. He had a choice and obviously you are the one he prefers.

The flag to me in your question is actually the inconsistency between your boyfriend and his ex when it comes to their stories. He says he’s not seeing her and she says that he is. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. On one hand, if he is spending time with her, why does he need to lie? If it’s on the up-and-up, he doesn’t. Now, I will give to him that based on how you seem to be about his relationships (and you do appear to be just a bit paranoid) that fear may be a part of his motive if indeed he is seeing her “on the low”, but either way, there’s no excuse for dishonesty. On the other hand, if he isn’t seeing her and she is telling you that she is, she’s not being a good friend to him because she is causing someone he cares about emotional discomfort. So, either way, I would confront him (kindly and non-judgmentally) about the situation and let the chips fall where they may. It may also help for the both of you to get a clear understanding on what you both can handle when it comes to “outside opposite sex relationships”.

One word of caution, though: You seem to be awfully involved for a relationship that, in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t have a lot of time under its belt. You can indeed love a man to death. Give him a little breathing room so that the relationship can grow.


Q: “If you meet a man who is separated or in the process of a divorce from his wife, should you even get anything started with him?”---Karen in Cleveland

A: Would I be a jerk if I simply said “no” and moved on? I’m willing to bet that you are thinking “yes” and so I will take this one a step further. No one is ready to commit to someone when they are ending a commitment with someone else. I don’t care who they are, it’s just not healthy.

I actually know someone who, right now, is in therapy for a lying addiction and yet they recently got married. How can you join yourself to someone else when you don’t even know who you are? When you are ending a relationship with someone, especially a marriage, you are losing a part of yourself. It takes time, and preferably time alone, before you can come to grips with who you are as a result of that relationship and the lessons that you learned from it. Not only is it not unhealthy, but potentially manipulative and counterproductive to bring someone else on your emotional roller coaster ride. A wise man once said, “If you can’t be alone with yourself why would you expect anyone else to want to do it?” In other words, anyone who tries to jump from one bed to another (so-to-speak) in a short amount of time (less than a year) should not be trusted.

On the flip side, if you know that someone has just gotten out of a relationship and you are the one pursuing something more, he/she should be leery of you as well. It’s very easy to take advantage of someone when they are hurt and wounded----this applies to a physical and emotional state. Be their friend, let them heal and if it’s meant to be, it will be.


Q: “A 35-year-old woman (saved, never been married, owns a home with a nice SUV, has no children, a good job, attractive, nice size, and well-groomed) is involved with a 48-year old man (saved, single, never been married, one 18-year-old son, wealthy, very nice looking, hard working, owns a very nice home) for about five months. Let’s say that this girl considers him a very good catch!

The only problem is that the man does not like to go out, and he works all the time. Whenever she calls he always answer, he is always in place where he say he is and there is no indication that he is involved with another woman. He calls to inform the woman of his whereabouts in order to make her feel secure in the relationship. He is commitment phobic and is seriously afraid of getting involved with anyone. He is not gay or down low. [As a matter of fact] he is her uncle’s best friend!

The concern is how this young lady can move this commitment phobic man into a more serious relationship. She has prayed and prayed and still no release.

We truly understand that his mind is being captivated by the enemy and that the devil has a hold on his thought pattern when it comes to marriage and relationships. Why is it that saved women have to be purged and processed before marriage yet other women who are never in church can get married in a heartbeat?”---“T” from Memphis

A: Whew! OK, can I tell you my favorite part of this question: “The concern is how this young lady can move this commitment phobic man into a more serious relationship. She has prayed and prayed and still no release.”

No release. Now, I’m not sure what that means. It can be a very dangerous situation to assume anything, but I am going to take a stab at it and say that she means that she does not feel like she needs to leave this man alone; if that is the case that is the source of her problem.

I love quotes and when it comes to this issue, the most fitting one would probably be “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” I am not sure why the focus is placed on the man who, you say, is not interested in being in a relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is commitment phobic or that “the enemy” is on his back. If your friend has ever seen “Why Harry Met Sally” one of the most eye-opening scenes is when Sally gets the call from her ex, a man she lived with for several years, who tells her that he is marrying a girl that he has dated for several months. To this, what does Sally say? “It’s not that he didn’t want to get married. It’s that he didn’t want to marry me.”

Personally, I give the man props if he knows what his issues are. So many of us walk around and don’t. However, from the way you posed this question, it doesn’t sound like he said that he was afraid of commitment, but rather that is what has been assumed (and again, assumption can be a very dangerous thing). To me, any man who will make the time to do what he is doing for this woman sounds pretty considerate and at least moderately committed to me. (Do you know how many wives want that kind of courtesy extended?)

I’m gonna be honest. It sounds more like the woman could use some “purging”. If she wants a serious relationship, she needs to say it. If he’s not interested, she needs to move on. It’s just that simple. I have written an entire memoir on what happens when you try to “make a miracle” happen. However, a man who is not interested or ready doesn’t make him “bad”; just not “right” for you.

As far as the “non-saved” sistahs who get married, I will share with you something God shared with me as I researched the whole “better to marry than to burn” thing (I Corinthians 7:9). Is it better to marry than to fornicate? If you are a believer of God’s Word, yes, indeed. But better does not mean best. Getting married just to have sex is not the best reason to do it. Getting married because that is the person God has purposed for your life is. Bottom line, if you want to get married just to be married, I promise you that you can accomplish that in a month’s time. But when you are “set apart” it should be synonymous with raising a standard that the world isn’t always aware of. You don’t want “some” man. You want “the” man. You don’t want “better”. You want the “best”.