Q: I am a Christian woman living a celibate life, but I find that there are times when I want to have sex my boyfriend. Should I pray these desires away? Or should I just do it, because God will forgive me anyway? ---Coco, Nashville, TN

A: I think the first thing is that you should release yourself of the guilt of having those desires. One of the things that I believe the Church (as a whole) does a really poor job of is not embracing the sexuality of singles. I often tell people that just because that part of our life should be dormant (inactive) until marriage, that doesn't mean that it's dead. Personally, I would find it odd if you didn't want to have sex with your boyfriend from time to time. It is natural to have the desire to be affectionate/intimate with someone that we are attracted to/involved with.

As for how to handle these desires (in other words, keep them in check), prayer couldn't hurt. The Bible says that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13) and apart from Christ we can do nothing (John 15:5). If there was ever a time to call up on some supernatural power, it would be when you are hugged up on your man and trying to restrain yourself!

However, I think it's the second part of your question that I want to focus on most. The thing about
“cutting a deal” with God when it comes to sin is that the Enemy always presents the act without really showing any of the consequences. In other words, because he is tempting you at all, because he comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), you can best believe he has a plan that goes way beyond the physical pleasure of a temporary experience.

Can you have sex and God forgive you? Sure. God can/will forgive anything if we confess that we have done wrong (I John 1:9). But have you ever taken the time to really look at what “repent” means?

Repent: to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.; to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.

I don't know how truly repentant you can be about something that is premeditated. Plus, if there was anything that would be hard to change once you've already done it, it would sex. Because, according to the Word, it was made for married people (I Corinthians 7, Hebrews 13:4) and because marriage was intended to last forever (Mark 10:9), sex is not something that was created to start/stop. As my mother often says, “Just because the circumstances of sex change, that doesn't mean that the consequences do.” Shoot, if you thought it was hard to resist now, take a piece of that forbidden fruit and you will see that this side of the temptation doesn't hold a light to being in that kind of darkness.

My bottom line recommendation? If you and your boyfriend are in a serious relationship, start talking about the purpose/plan for where the two of you are headed. Are you just “kickin' it” or is he trying to make you his wife. The call to wait tends to get a lot easier when there is light at the end of the tunnel!


Q: If a guy you really dig and can see potential with is not quite ready for you, whether it be a lack of maturity or they are not totally where you want them to be, do you wait for them to come around or get it together? And if so, how long?---Trinity, Cleveland, OH

A: OK, what exactly are you waiting on? I think one of the things that gets women into the most trouble is betting on potential. In most cases, it's a sucker's bet because potential provides no guarantees.

Just a couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about the relationship they were in. Currently, they are taking a break and he wanted to know how long he should wait? My vote? Not one more minute. See, the thing that I always wonder about these kinds of scenarios is if fear is the motivation for not wanting to go on with your life when someone clearly shows that they are not ready to make you a a part of it, or at least a part of it in the way that you would want and the way that you would want is the way that you deserve. Fear should never be the foundation of love. It always makes things unstable.

My advice would be to casually date the guy, but keep it movin'. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing anyway and if it's really meant to be, he will put forth the effort to make it work. If there is anything I've learned---the hard way, I might add---it's that men will work (long and hard) for what they want. If he wants you, you will know it.

In the meantime, want more for yourself than putting yourself/your life/your feelings on hold while he figures it out!

Q: How can I break free of a destructive relationship that I've been in for the past 18 months? My boyfriend is still married but separated, he was doing hard drugs last summer, went back to his wife, she had him arrested, came back to me, got arrested for a different charge and is now going to court. In the midst of all that, he gives me an infection every time we are intimate. We have known each other more than 20 years and he says he loves me and has always wanted to marry me. Is there any hope for a real union between us? I ruined my life thinking we were going to be together. Lost everything and am just starting over. He is still stuck in a rut but it has affected my whole being. I feel really stupid for staying with him and trying to make this work. Why can't I just walk away from this and get my life together?---E, Nashville, TN

A: Queen, the fact that you've asked AT ALL means you are farther along in the “get out process” than you might think. I'm sure you know that it goes without saying that this relationship is TOXIC and KILLING YOU, especially when it comes to your spirit. I'm gonna be honest with you, nothing about this relationship sounds like “love”. It sounds like you're just as addicted to him as he is to his narcotic of choice.

There are so many “no...no...oh nos!” here: He's married. He's a substance abuser. His wife had him arrested (I can only imagine what that was for). He has pending court cases. He repeatedly gets you sick.

I mean, really. What are the perks to a relationship like that? What really is he doing for you? Love is something that is supposed to help you to be a better person, but everything about this man seems to indicate that he's doing nothing but pulling you down. I've been there...to a certain degree. Many women have. We see a man with issues and we think, “If he could just get past that, he would be awesome.” That may be so, but you know what? Right now, he's not past it, he's in it and he's taking you to hell right along with him.

One of my favorite Bible scriptures of all time is Matthew 7:6: “Don't cast your pearls before swine or give what's holy to the dogs.” Do you know one day I decided to look up “dog” and one of the definitions was “to make an investment and not get a return”. You are investing years...20 YEARS so far, of your life, your time, your heart, your health, your resources, your sanity, your pride and really, what are you getting from it? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Why can't you walk away and get your life together? Because you have let him put the price tag on your value. In many ways, he is not your boyfriend, he is your god. Whatever he says, whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, you go along with. That is not a relationship. That is a hypnotic trance. He is not your angel. He has a hold on you that is nothing short of demonic (extremely evil or cruel). The Bible says that God is love. (I John 4:16) God would never treat you this way.

Get honest. Get therapy. GET AWAY FROM HIM. Your life (literally) depends on it.
 

©Shellie R. Warren/2008