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Conversations with Shellie |
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A: Well Candice, I am not so sure you will be happy with my response, but you did ask me, so here we go. I think one of the first things you need to invest in is the book, “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I’m not sure what spiritual foundation you and your fiancé are building your relationship upon, but one of the main points of the book is that the Bible says that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). It may sound archaic, but whatever; after the author polled several men about what they wanted more, respect (the condition of being esteemed or honored) was the resounding response. And no, I don’t think you are respecting his views much on this issue. Yes, I agree that you deserve what you want, but sometimes the question you have to ask yourself is what you want most. In this case, is it a responsible husband or a big rock on your hand? See, what I actually RESPECT about your man is that provision appears to be a priority to him. It’s not that he is denying you the ring “just because”; it’s because his LOVE for you is looking beyond today or even tomorrow into the months and years to come. Are you worth the ring? Baby, you are worth so much more than that, but what I fear is that your “no budge” stance symbolizes the fact that you may not be fully conceptualizing the foundation for a good marriage, which is compromise. Being that over 50% of marriages are in conflict and/or end because of financial woes, if he senses that your engagement ring will put you two through some level of strain out the gate, then I have to go with him on the fact that you should downgrade for now and upgrade later. Wouldn’t you rather have your mortgage and car note paid rather having a diamond on your hand and living with your mama because you can’t afford to live anywhere else? What I wish a lot of women realized is that an engagement ring is not the be all to end all. It is simply a public statement of a man’s desire to make your heart his. Trust me, his desire to take care of you in every way IS his way of making you happy in every area. Bend on this one. You’ll thank me when it’s time to pay your electric bill. Q: “How do you know if he's sincere when he says he loves you? How do you know if he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? How do you know if you're the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with?”---Bernice from The Windy City A: Girl, this is an advice column, not a crystal ball but I will do my best! Just today, I was in my car listening to DeBarge’s Greatest Hits. Do you remember the song “Love Me In A Special Way”? I mean the entire song is a mantra dedicated to high self-esteem, but this is the verse that I really like: Love me now (love me now) It is my deep conviction that your feelings (i.e., gut instincts) are often the thermometer of your life. In other words, if you have to wonder if he’s sincere then there is something within you that believes that he’s not. It may be due to your past baggage or it may be due to his reactive-ness as opposed to what you deserve, which is proactive-ness, but either way, wondering provides the same warning as a yellow traffic light; you may not need to stop, but you definitely need to pause and reevaluate some things. I think what gets women into the most trouble is when they take a man on his word without also evaluating his actions. If he says that he loves you and you are not sure, it’s probably because on some level he is not backing those words up in a way that leaves you feeling secure and confident. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you are needing to feel loved and then be really honest and determine if those needs are actually his responsibility or your hang up (because sometimes we expect people to fill voids that are not their place to fill). As far as how you know if he wants you forever and vice versa, I was just telling a friend of mine recently that too many people unite without knowing their purpose in life. Marriage is not just about sharing an address and a bed. It’s about becoming one for a greater mission. I heard Dr. Phil once say that the formula for a successful relationship is that it’s meeting the needs of the people involved. If you want to join your life to his, if he wants to join his life with yours, that is the first criteria: Are you meeting one another’s needs? By knowing one another have you become better people? Will you be able to accomplish more together than you ever could apart? Until you can really answer those questions, chill. It will keep your relationship from going cold.
Q; “Here's the deal I had a good man, he in fact found me, but my mouth and past hurts got between us! How do I subdue and even eliminate the past hurts and current insecurities ruining a relationship. At present we are just friends yet the feelings on both sides are still there, but if my mouth does not come under God's authority and quick I may just loose him for good. Yes, I am spending time with God, and reading the Word but it seems at the times when I most need to put my best mouth forward (i.e. in his presence) all of the old hurts surface and I put my foot in my proverbial mouth. Please, please help. I love him dearly and so want to change.”---Laura, Cape Town, South Africa A: First, let me congratulate you on knowing that you have an issue in this area and let me congratulate you again for being willing to take full responsibility for it. As I briefly mentioned in the previous question, so often we figure that people are supposed to fix us in ways that they are not at fault for. Our daddy abandoned us and so we won’t let our husbands breathe. Our first love cheated on us and so we are paranoid every time our current boyfriend’s phone rings. The crazy thing about baggage is that it leaves you with very little room to carry anything else but it. I am not sure who decided to retreat back to friendship for this season, but I think that’s the absolute best thing the two of you could have done. You don’t need a covering in the form of a romantic relationship right now. What you need is emotional room, physical time and mental air for your past wounds to heal. I would recommend that you get a journal and write out all of the things that you are fearful of because bottom line, that is what all of this is about. The Bible says that perfect love casts out ALL FEAR (I John 4:18), but it also states that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). It sounds to me like you have trust issues and so you are adapting the old, “Let me hurt you before you hurt me” syndrome. A lot of times we abuse those around us as a dysfunctional method to test their loyalty. Hear me and hear me good: A HEALTHY MAN WILL NOT SETTLE FOR THAT. If you can’t take him at his word, then he doesn’t want you to take him at all. As far as your mouth, remember what Matthew 22:39 tells us. During this friendship period, try the lost art of thinking before you speak. Put yourself into his shoes with whatever you are about to say and ask yourself how it would make you feel. If the answer is “not very good” then keep your mouth shut. If you know he’s a good man, then don’t treat him badly. Oh, and forgive yourself and those in your past so that you can free up some more heart space. I had to learn the hard way that past issues and a good man cannot dwell together…there’s just not enough room for the two of them. ©Shellie R. Warren/2007
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