| Conversations with Shellie |
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As a young, professional, African American, I'm struggling with whether or not relationships are predestined for everyone. Am I supposed to be a wife and a mother? I do believe that ‘good’ men exist. My father is a great example of a good man of God. However, I don't want anyone's grandfather (smile). I'm so discouraged with our men. I often meet men (church, business, friends, etc.) Everyone wants to date you, so I question if this is of God, since "a man finds a good wife". Seemingly, it's always something. He does not know God or his relationship with God is convenient for him (you know.....he considers God in this area, but not in that area of his life). Additionally, men are struggling with their sexuality, independent women, religion, being a provider, being monogamous, etc.
So, my question is related to ‘a man finding a good wife’. More so than not, it appears that men are finding a good wife, but only for their benefit (stability, trophy, image, etc.)
I've been celibate for seven years. I'm 30. I don't want to miss the "30 year peak experience" or whatever the myth is. Does God want me to miss it? I often talk to Him about my concern for love, a family, etc.”---Dumbfounded in Dallas
A: OK, so we’re gonna “take it to church” off top, huh? You definitely have a lot of concerns on this plate (kind of a book’s worth), but I’ll do my best to answer this as completely as I can in a few paragraphs.
As far as what the Bible says about marriage vs. singleness, Paul is pretty clear:
“Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.”---I Corinthians 7:7 (Message)
So, no, I don’t believe that all single people are called to be married. As a matter of fact, I wish more people spent time seriously contemplating this before getting into a marital relationship. I think if they did, the divorce rate would go WAY down.
As it relates to you more specifically, I am also a big believer that the energy you put out is what you get back. If you are discouraged by “our men”, I would venture to say that you are attracting men that are, well, a discouragement. The Scripture that you keep referencing is “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22), but I’m always curious to know if women are just as concerned with being “wife ready” as they are with a man finding them. There is a lot more to being a wife than knowing the Lord and being virtuous (celibate). A LOT MORE.
If I may make a suggestion, if it is indeed your heart’s desire to be married, and you believe that God will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4), purchase a dream journal and begin writing about why you want to be married and how you want your future marriage to be. I know from my own experience that sometimes what we are looking for not a husband, but a savior; not someone to add to our lives but to fill voids that we really need to work on alone so that “the one” doesn’t have to travel down life’s road with us being a “broken wheel”.
Dating? I AM ALL FOR DATING. I have actually come to the conclusion that I have no desire to do anything but date (no boyfriend/girlfriend stuff) these days. You get to learn a lot about men if the pressure is off to make them be your “potential mate” all of the time. One of my favorite movies right now is “Definitely…Maybe”. There is a line of dialogue in there that really sticks with me at this season in my life.
(Paraphrased)
HIM: “How do you know when you’ve met the one?”
HER: “You don’t find it, it finds you?”
HIM: “I don’t follow.”
HER: “You go and live your life and one day, when you’re ready to have kids or share a mortgage, the one that you are with at that time is ‘the one’.”
Overly simplified? Hmm, maybe a little. But, I think you see my point. God is not constrained by time. He goes by if something is “right” or “wrong”, not if someone is 20 or 45. Without faith it’s impossible to please him, right? (Hebrews 11:6). If you want to be married, believe that you will be and in the meantime, LIVE YOUR LIFE. If he can create the earth in seven days, he can certainly give a 30-something, professional, African-American woman a husband. And, a good one, too!
Q: “After
dating this man for approx. 5 months the relationship ends. Although we seemed
to be really good together and seemed to be on the same page spiritually, God
revealed to me that HE wanted a deeper relationship with this man and that this
relationship would not be much use to me until this was fulfilled. Because I'm
still being delivered from "Savior Syndrome", I felt it would be best if I
stepped away and allowed God to handle his business and I spend my efforts on my
own relationship with God. We both struggled a bit with the breakup, but
decided that it was best to just let it go.
2. Sex wasn't
a part of our relationship and he chose to share it randomly!!!!
3. Even though
I have two children, one of the things that I found attractive about this man
was the fact that he didn't have children (i.e., drama)
4. According
to both of their accounts, THEY DON"T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER, other than
that one night. Scary!!!!! A: I remember crying on the shoulder of one of my married friends a few years ago about my (then) boyfriend. Very long story short, I wasn’t happy with the way the relationship was going and I was seeking advice. My friend gently and yet very firmly said, “So, break up.”
I was like, “Huh?”
She said, “You are not married to that man. You don’t have the same kind of obligations to him that I do with my husband. You didn’t promise him or God anything (long-term). If you are unhappy, break up.”
I promise you that is a word in due season as it relates to this situation. Far too often, in dating relationships, we confuse “girlfriend” with “wife” and we find ourselves putting “him” over us. As single people, that was never God’s intention. God and then you are the top of the tier in this scenario and so if what he has done is too much for you to handle, do yourselves both a favor and let it go.
But let me say this: When you and that guy were apart, that gave him license to live his life as he saw fit. I don’t recall you eluding to feeling betrayed, just concerned, and while your concerns are valid, try and look at them not as it relates to your new relationship with him now, but as it relates to his character independent of you. One of the biggest flags to me is that you signed your letter, “Single, Saved and Not Having Sex”, but it is obvious that he goes under a different “surname” so-to-speak. Are you going to be able to successfully maintain a relationship with sex being out of the picture? Also, since the girl is pregnant, from where I “see and sit”, that sounds like a lot of, at the very least, “stuff” going on that he needs to sort out. It’s going to be very difficult for him to give you the attention that you deserve while he’s trying to take care of a newborn and establish a relationship with a woman that he barely even knows. You know your pain threshold better than I do, but in my opinion, if you can handle it, being his (good) friend may be the best thing for now. It takes the pressure off of him to be more than he may be able to give you right now and it takes the pressure off of you to settle for less than you should. Then when all of the baby dust (somewhat) clears, all parties will be able to see (for the) better.
Q: “My relationship with my mother is weird. She doesn't seem to want to accept me living a life that is not the one she fantasized about me having since I was born. I emailed her a letter about all the times she hurt me verbally for not being her mini-me, and that I deserve respect as a wife, a mother, and her daughter. I informed her that our distance is well worth my peace if she chooses to be distant. She constantly plays the victim with me, and this is one time where she can't. I know she has the email, because I told her I sent it, and I'm almost certain she's read it by now. I made up my mind that I don't need a response back, but what reasons do you think would keep her from responding to me about it ever?”---Christin, the ‘Ville
A: I’m gonna be honest with you. I don’t know one grown woman who, on some level, doesn’t have a weird relationship with her mother! Woman-to-woman relationships are challenging enough without one of them being the person who birthed and disciplined the other for 18 (or 20 or 25) years. The transition can be a taxing one for both, to say the very least.
And yes, when you have dreams/plans/visions for your child for those 18 (or 20 or 25) years, it can be disappointing when things don’t go as planned. As someone who has had her own issues with her mother, I have had to come to accept that as much as I may want her to approve of and/or like my choices, she doesn’t have to. Oftentimes, our bigger problem is not how our mothers feel about what we do, but how we feel about how they feel about what we do. If you are confident about the choices that you have made, in time, she can’t help but respect them---if she wants to maintain a healthy relationship with you. But again, this doesn’t mean that she has to LIKE them. Do you like everything she does? Right.
As far as the letter, my love language is “words of affirmation” and so I am all for that approach. But, as with giving anything, you shouldn’t give because you are expecting something in return. Trust me, you will look back and realize that letter was as much for you as it was for her. Writing is a way of purging in many ways. Also, look back up to your question. One of the things that you said was, “our distance is well work my peace if she chooses to be distant”, and yet, your writing me leads me to believe that you may be bluffing just a bit. She may be (emotionally) manipulating you and playing the victim, but that only works when you let her do it. You wrote her and said what you needed to say. Grant her the time, space, courtesy and respect of processing it when and how she chooses to do it.
Sometimes silence is golden, but when you are always used to confrontation you underestimate it. If you want her to let you grow up, give her the opportunity to do the same. Choose to think on the upswing. Maybe she’s turning over a new leaf and trying to find more effective ways of communicating with you.
Hey, we can hope.
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