A: OK. Let me first say that while many Christians battle with being abstinent in their singleness, I don’t know whether to give this man a hand of applause or a roll of the eyes for being so straight forward with his “non-belief” about waiting until marriage.

Let me first say that it’s my firm belief that when the Bible tells us to not be yoked with non-believer, to me that doesn’t just mean someone who doesn’t follow the teachings and principles of God (and uh, abstinence is one of them), but it is also someone who doesn’t believe in you and the values you are trying to uphold.

One of the biggest mistakes in the Church is teaching only one part of the Golden Rule. Yes, we are called to love our neighbors, but how do we discover how to do that? By loving ourselves, first.

A few years ago, I wrote an article entitled, “If You Don’t Have a Map, Then You Don’t Know Where You Are Going”. So many women get into relationships with men without having a clue of the purpose it is to serve in their lives. They want a “boyfriend” because they’re lonely, they’re bored, their other girlfriends have one or their clock is ticking. All of these are the wrong reasons. An intimate relationship should enhance, not create your life. When you are clear on who (and whose) you are, what you want out of life and what it would take to get it, only then should you even consider getting into anything deeply-intimate and time-consuming with someone.

The challenge that your friend seems to be having is that she appears to treat relationships as merely pastimes, but what she doesn’t realize is that aside from your heath, time is the most precious thing that we have. For instance, if she’s trying to lead a life of abstinence, there’s really no point in getting into something serious with someone who isn’t. It’s a waste of both of their time.

No man---and if you are a man, no woman---is worth you losing such a serious commodity for. A lot of people are leery of having them, but basically all boundaries are designed to do is protect you. When you know you are not interested in dating married men and you meet one, it doesn’t matter how fine he is. Your line is drawn so he can’t cross it. When you know that you have no desire to have children, when you meet a man with one, there’s no reason to date him for three years. Your line is drawn so he can’t cross it. When you know that a premature sexual relationship is not your forte and you are propositioned for sex on the first date, you can move on to the next brotha. Your line is drawn so he can’t cross it.

Ladies, do yourselves and the men around you a favor and figure out what you want before getting involved with them so there will be no drama after. It will save you both a lot of frustration, grief and regret..

Q: Why are some women afraid to let a black man lead? I don’t mean the trifling black men; but the real ones. Why is it so hard to just let go and let him do his thing?---Rashad “Tha Poet”, Nashville, TN

A: Hmm. To be honest with you, I’m a little confused by this one. If a woman is single and an adult, the only person who should be leading her is God. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough space in this column to get into why it’s such a big “no, no” when men and women “play house” while they are dating. Submission is a gift that you get after you place a ring on our (the women’s) fingers.

But, if your question is concerning why a lot of women seem to have trouble respecting the role of a man, I can totally feel you. I think most of it is because of past baggage. To be honest with you, I think people get involved in serious dating scenarios way too early. Sure, you can go to the movies. Sure, you can go to lunch. But if you are doing that with a 16-year-old, an 18-year-old, a 21-year-old, you are going to get what comes with that. If all you’re looking for is a fun time, great! But in most cases, if you are looking for something super-deep, long-lasting, responsible and mature, 8 times out of 10, I would say you are going to be in for a disappointment. At those ages, people are still trying to figure out who they are, let alone trying to discover the innermost needs and desires of someone else.

So, what happens is that a lot of times these young, wounded girls grow up to be old, bitter women. They remember being 15 and having a 17-year-old as “their man”. Of course, he didn’t do a stand up job, but that’s because (hello) he wasn’t a man yet. All this now 30-year-old knows is that she trusted him and he hurt her, so when a 32-year-old man tries to prove that he really is one, she tends to be somewhat gun shy.

My advice to you would be to, well, be the man, regardless of what she’s doing or how she’s responding. Now to a certain degree, “being a man” means different things to different people, but whatever it is, it should involve saying what you mean, meaning what you say and being consistent.

Usually a relationship ends because what? Someone didn’t meet someone else’s expectations, right? Do you know why I pay my cable bill on time every month? Because I have let it lapse in the past and it has been disconnected because of it. Comcast told me that and they followed through, so now I respect them enough to make sure to get my ends in on time. The best way to get the kind of respect you deserve is to earn it. The best way to earn it is to prove you are deserving of it. The best way to prove that you are deserving of it is to back your words up with actions. After awhile, that will break even the hardest of heart.

Q: I have a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her via text message after a seven year relationship. She recently learned that he is getting married to a girl he moved in with him shortly after the breakup. I guess my question is why would a guy stay in a relationship that long (I'm assuming there were no signs of unhappiness) and then break off the relationship in that manner? Also, why does the new girlfriend feel the need to confront the former girlfriend about the boyfriend? Usually the new is gloating on the fact that she has the boyfriend. It’s childish to me.---Drama-less, Nashville, TN

A: First, I am curious to know why your friend remained in a relationship for seven years, but that’s another matter entirely. Now, I have learned the hard way that unless you are directly involved, you never know the entire story; and even then, you are probably missing a few pieces to the puzzle.

This scenario takes me back to the “oldie but goody” flick, “When Harry Met Sally”. Remember how Sally was dating a guy for years and then a few months later he called to say that he was getting married to someone else? One of my favorite lines in the movie was when she said, “It wasn’t that he didn’t want to get married. It’s that he didn’t want to marry me.”

From what you have shared, it’s a pretty safe bet that your friend’s ex was not on the up-and-up anyway and so she really should count her blessings. A text break-up was a really cowardly way to handle it and even Dennis Rodman wasn’t that good of a rebounder. I’m also willing to bet that there were some warning signs that your friend ignored, oh, probably four years ago, but she stayed because “We’ve been together too long to break-up”. Yeah, right. Actually they had been together too long to not be making some progress beyond dating.

As far as why the guy stayed, I mean, why not stay? It’s kind of like the loafing 35-year-old who lives at home with his parents. He should move out, but why when they are not asking him to? A male friend of mine recently told me that a man never gives heart keys back; if you let him in, he will always want access on one level or another. So you know what this means, right? We’ve gotta change our locks.

As far as the new girl thinking that she’s got the “Catch of the Day”, she may…for the day. A man who cheats with you, in time will cheat on you. There may be a few exceptions (3 out of a billion), but you can pretty much bet on that. When you help a man be dishonest to someone else, he knows that you can’t really be trusted. He also knows that your standards aren’t very high, so he probably sleeps with one eye open, all the while believing that “If she dipped out with me, she’ll dip out on me”.

But, if by chance this was a whirlwind romance, I still say she’s on a sinking ship. Whirlwinds just stir up a lot of fleeting emotions, but it’s amazing what you see once the “love dust” clears. Personally, there is no way I would seriously date, let alone marry a man who was in a relationship for seven years. He’s no where near ready to give me his entire heart after an ordeal like that, and that is what all women deserve.

If I were your friend, I would send the bride-to-be a “thank you” present for getting him off of her hands and her heart. He sounds like dead weight to me. Change the locks immediately.