Daddy’s
Inconsistent Visits Cause Single Mama Drama
Kelly Williams ("Ms Kelly"),
Author,
Single Mama Dos & Don'ts (available at
www.singlemamahood.com)
Dear Ms
Kelly,
My two children are under the
age of 10. Their father was present
in the home since both their births
up until a year ago when we
separated. Before he left, we
talked about how much easier it
would be for him to move close to
us, because his schedule is not a
set one, so it would allow a better
relationship with the kids. We
agreed he would have them with him
every other weekend and one day
during the week.
He ended up moving more than 30
minutes away and he doesn’t have
weekends off from the job. He says
gas is too high for him to be coming
back and forth. He has three days
off from work but usually varied and
not on the weekend. But he does not
call the kids consistently or make
any arrangement in exchange for not
seeing them every other weekend.
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My children
are constantly asking me where he is and if
they can see him and talk with him. But he
goes weeks without calling or seeing them or
anything. My oldest has a disability and
needs to have consistency as much as
possible. She has been having a lot of
problems at school and home recently. I
believe her father’s leaving and lack of
care is partly the reason. He gets to go
off and have a single life and I am left
explaining and doing all the parenting.
I feel this is
not healthy for my children to have him
coming here and there in and out of their
lives. I was thinking to refuse these here
and there visits until he comes with a
proposal to see them on a consistent
schedule. How would you advise me?
-- A Single
Mama
Dear Mama,
As hard as
"here and there" is on the single mama, it's
better for the kids than not seeing Daddy at
all. Here's my advice:
1. Ask Daddy
what kind of schedule WOULD work for him.
If he says one evening a week, let that be
it. Then tell him that if he wants to call
at other times when he's in the area and
wants to drop by, you'll be open to trying
to work something out. That way, at least
there is no excuse.
2. With your
kids, simply explain that Daddy’s work
schedule is different now, and that he said
he will do better with phone calls and
visits. But tell them the visits might not
be a certain day (you have to tell them this
because this way, the kids won't be all
dressed up and waiting if Daddy does not
come.)
3. When Daddy
does call a few minutes before a "here and
now" drop by, wait till he arrives and
simply say to the kids, "Guess who's here?"
This way, again, you are not building up
expectations just to let them down.
4. For your
child with a disability, inconsistency will
become the new consistency with her Daddy.
You might want to talk to any of her
counselors, case workers, teachers, etc.
about this.
5. This is
one of the toughest areas for a single mama.
Things did not work for the two of you.
The cost (not your fault, just the cost) is
that you'll have to drop your shoulders and
give up control with the visits.
6. Do not
nag your ex; simply give him positive
feedback when he 1) Lets you know what he
CAN do; 2) Shows up; 3) Calls the kids.
Say stuff
like, "The kids were SO happy to talk to you
today..."
All of this
will become easier for you as you learn not
stress over it. You simply cannot control
another adult. You can control YOUR
reaction to his behavior. Do not be jealous
of his freedom; just accept that it is what
it is.
How you react
to your ex will impact how your children
handle the situation.
Ms Kelly
Need single
mamahood advice? Go to
www.singlemamahood.com
and click on Ask Ms Kelly.
Ms Kelly, a parent educator and
motivational speaker, is the author of
Single Mama Dos & Don’ts and Single
Mamahood, Advice & Wisdom for the African
American Single Mother and founder of
www.singlemamamhood.com.
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