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Let's End Single Mama Drama, January 2008
Kelly Williams ("Ms Kelly"),
Author,
Single Mama Dos & Don'ts (available at
www.singlemamahood.com)
I hate the term, “baby’ mama drama.” It
implies that all drama associated with
single moms and their kids’ dads is the
mama’s fault.
Truth is, the blame can usually be shared by
both Mama and Daddy. And if we don’t do our
individual part to end it, we care more
about our egos than we do about the
wellbeing of our kids.
Since I’m a single mama who works with other
single moms, I’ll focus on what we single
mamas can do to reduce our end of the drama.
1. Know that your kids feel
negativity between their mama and daddy and
that the drama causes pain and insecurity
for them.
2. Know that you cannot change your
baby’s father; however you CAN change how
you react to him.
3. If your frustration comes from
your inability to get Daddy to agree to a
visitation schedule, ask him to tell you at
a minimum what he CAN do and accept anything
extra as icing on your kid’s cake. For most
kids, a few visits are better than none,
unless you tell them otherwise.
4. If your frustration comes from
your inability to get child support and your
kids’ dad still visits when he’s supposed
to, do not raise the child support issue
with him during those visits. Work it out
separately – away from your kids --
preferably with a lawyer or other third
party mediator.
5. Do not say anything negative about
your baby’s daddy; chances are either your
children will hear you or the person with
whom you are talking will repeat it in your
kids’ presence or to someone else who will
allow it to get back to your kids. Know that
any negative statement about a child’s
father (or mother, for that matter) tells
the child that half of his/her biological
makeup is no good. In a world where a child
needs all the building up he/she can get,
we, as their mothers, do not need to be the
ones responsible for breaking our kids down.
6. Be kind to your kids’ fathers,
even when you do not get kindness in return.
Replace feelings of anger with sympathy and
compassion.
7. Be polite to Daddy's friends and
family and if possible, stay in touch with
his wife/girlfriend so that you two can be
on the same or similar page when it comes to
caring for your children.
8. Know that kids sense and sometimes
cause drama between the two sides of their
family in order to get attention or gain
control. Do not let your kids manipulate
you.
9. Keep your relationship with your
boyfriend/new man away from the relationship
you have with your children and their father
and ask your kids’ dad to do the same with
his significant other. You are the head of
your household and all guests (and until
they are your spouse, they are still guests)
should know that while you might appreciate
input they share with you away from your
kids, it is the parent’s job to be the
disciplinarian. While Daddy might not follow
this advice at his house, at least this will
not be a source of drama in your home.
10. Know that while your baby’s daddy
is not a perfect parent, neither are you.
And as long as you’re doing your best,
that’s OK.
Ms Kelly, a parent educator and
motivational speaker, is the author of
Single Mama Dos & Don’ts and Single
Mamahood, Advice & Wisdom for the African
American Single Mother and founder of
www.singlemamamhood.com.
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